The Facade.

(John enters the therapy room silently. The counsellor extends a hand for a handshake.)

Counsellor:

Hello there, come on in, please have a seat, John.

John:

.... Hi

Counsellor:

How are you doing today?

John:

... Fine.

Counsellor:

You alright?

John:

I said I'm fine!

(Knowing he wasn't like this the week before; the counsellor gives a concerned look)

Counsellor:

You weren't like this before, what happened?

John:

... I don't... I don't want to talk about it.

Counsellor:

This place is not to judge your past or your decisions. It's a space for understanding, for healing. You're safe here, John. Whatever it is you're holding onto, it’s heavy. But you don’t have to carry it alone.

(Nervously rubs his hands avoiding eye contact and starts to speak with a stammer.)

John:

... (sighs) ... I... I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I... I... had a fight... well an argument with my parents and neither side is apologised.

Counsellor:

Would you be comfortable telling me what the argument was over?

John:

It’s just that they don’t listen. The... they treat me as if I was a child, and I'm sick of it, why won't they let me make my own decisions, the only decision I did make by myself was this one.

Counsellor:

It’s good you made this decision; would you say you are feeling trapped at the moment and your decisions when questioned reinforce the fact in your mind that you feel trapped?

John:

I'm just sick of it, sick of people telling me what I have to do not... they don't see my point of view, I want to leave but I can't, when I do a thing, they say its shit, even if I do try and... Before you even say try and speak to them, I did, they don't see them as the problem, it's like talking to a brick wall.

(John gets emotional, with the Counsellor allowing him to push past it)

John:

I'm just lonely, I guess, all my friends went off to college, because of that I don't have anyone I can talk to; this is the one social interaction a week, I constantly do get, how sad is that, huh, a man of my age having no one to speak to, no girlfriend, no friend to speak of.

Counsellor:

Well...

John:

No! you don't get it, I feel like I'm a failure of a man, I don't know what a man is supposed to be, but it's not this.

(John fixes his eyes on floor attempting to calm himself)

Counsellor:

Ok, let me ask you something else, why do you not want to be alone, you don't have to answer John if you don’t feel like it.

(John remains silent but shuffles slightly in discomfort at the topic)

Counsellor:

What I'm getting from you today is that it seems like you have some animosity towards your parents, and you are projecting that towards the world, seeing everything in a negative light, even when things may not necessarily be bad, would you agree John?

(John let’s out a mild chuckle dismissively at the evaluation and proceeds to answer with a shrug)

John:

Maybe.

Counsellor:

I’m not going to push any further on that... Alright, let’s shift our focus to something else your speech, your stammer.

John:

It's not getting better.

Counsellor:

Actually, I think it is. Just now, when you were speaking, you only stammered slightly. Can I ask if your stammer affects your daily life, like when you go outside your home?

(John nervously fidgets with his hands near his neck.)

John:

I... I... I live with my parents.

Counsellor:

That's okay. A lot of people do.

John:

But it doesn't feel right. I make plans, and they get shut down, not just by people, but by... I don’t know... by life itself, I guess. Sorry, I'm just rambling.

Counsellor:

You're not rambling. What do you mean? Can you give me an example?

John:

Well, the other day, I tried... I tried to...

(The Counsellor waits patiently, giving John time to gather his thoughts.)

John:

I tried to move out. I called several places, but they either told me they were full or... or that they didn't want someone like me. I feel like I’m stuck.

Counsellor:

What do you mean by "someone like me"?

John:

I’m disabled. Now you wouldn't be able to see it unless you were looking for it, but I do have to say it to people if I am getting a job or moving into a place, you know. It’s just disheartening when people see you as only a disability not by your own person.

Counsellor:

But that shouldn't make people see you any less of a person.

John:

Right. Can I ask you a question, when I say disability to you what do you think, like what image comes into your mind, and be completely honest.

Counsellor:

Well, I think of a person in a wheelchair or a person having learning difficulties.

John:

And that's what I think everyone thinks, like... like... I'll... I'll...

(Again, the Counsellor giving John time to gather his thoughts.)

John:

I'll tell you a story about when I was younger. My mother called a hospital for me to get a check up for my disability, you know, and once my mother mentioned I had a disability to the nurse, she went... oh is the we crater ok do we need to get him a ramp for him, and that's when I seen how people perceive me, when they only heard of me.

Counsellor:

People often rely on first impressions and what they hear. You can't control how someone sees you; everyone forms their own opinions based on their own experiences. But it sounds like that experience left an impact on you. How does it affect you now?

John:

It made me realize that to doctors and nurses, I'm just a number. And to other people, I'm invisible. I feel isolated...ostracized, big word. I know that's how I feel, but. I'm sorry, I'm just rambling now again, aren't I?

Counsellor:

It's okay, John. Remember, their reactions don't define who you are. We all have biases, even if we aren't always aware of them. It's part of being human.

John:

Yeah, I understand that. It's just... it's hard. It's hard when people see you more as a burden, than as a person.

Counsellor:

I know it feels that way, John. But you are not a burden. You are a person with your own value and unique experiences.

(John smiles at hearing this, as The Counsellor writes what's happening)

Counsellor:

So, your speech, because we glossed over that, did situations like that cause your stammer you think?

(John, thinks for a moment)

John:

I... don't know.

Counsellor:

Does that happen when you are speaking to everyone, is what I'm trying to say?

John:

Yea... that... yea.... there was a time an old man came up to me and started making jokes about nothing and everything, I wanted to join in, but I was afraid if I made a joke, I was afraid it would just make things awkward, you know, so I didn't say a word and he just walked off.

Counsellor:

Hmm... I see, thing is there is a solution for that though, but you may not like it.

(John fixes himself on the seat, intently listening)

Counsellor:

It's simply just to talk more, to others that is, and I know this is overstepping the counsellor patent dynamic, but I do care for you.

(John says nothing for a moment itching his neck nervously)

John:

It's easy to say...

Counsellor:

And it's easy to do.

(John starts to withdraw, becoming quiet.)

John:

It's difficult to do though.

Counsellor:

Yes, for the start it will be, but it will get easier in time.

John:

Th... thing is though, I do get social interaction through the internet.

Counsellor:

Do you feel more comfortable or confident when engaging online?

John:

Yea I do it easier to speak to people when there no face to look at.

Counsellor:

There holds an issue, the simple joys of life cannot be found online.

(A silence fills the room, tinged with awkwardness.)

Counsellor:

I'm probably going to hard on you but I'm trying just to get a point across.

John:

And what then, do what you suggest, ignoring how I feel, just to make you satisfied? I thought counselling was supposed to help. You're just like everyone else, only thinking of yourself.

Counsellor:

Your right john, this is not about me, I got carried away, now let's move on to the issue at hand.

John:

What if... life is the issue?

(The Counsellor sits back on the chair in silence listening to what he is saying)

John:

Like, like, like let's take the internet as example, YouTube, if I don't have that on, like with music in the background let's say, I will be left alone with my thoughts, and my thoughts are not a good place to be, and me going for a walk clears it, no, that's not the way my head works. I'm afraid, everything I do and that I found fun or interesting is no longer that way, I feel useless that feeling of despair wanting to off myself, thing is, I don't want to live but I'm too scared to die.

(The Counsellor writes down what he said)

Counsellor:

Now listen here, people do care about you...

John:

But everywhere I look there's pain and anger towards everyone and anyone, everyone hates everyone.

Counsellor:

These temporary emotions will not lead you to what you want.

John:

Oh, these aren't temporary emotions. I've been thinking of things like this since I was knee high to a grasshopper.

Counsellor:

If you deem everything bad, it will always turn out to be bad, look for the good in people because it is not hard to find, it is there.

(John leans back in chair, near tears, thinking on what he said.)

Counsellor:

I'm not going to jump around it, ok, what made you start feeling like this?

(In tears John know why he's like this)

John:

I'm the problem, I know I am, I push people that want to get closer to away, those who are close I keep at an arm's length... and because of that I guess that's why I feel so lonely.

Counsellor:

Its ok John... take a drink of water, can we explore what might be causing you to push people away?

(John takes a sip of water and sits back on the chair.)

John:

I... I... don't... I am... I guess I'm afraid of getting hurt.

Counsellor:

I understand, John. It makes sense that you would want to protect yourself from pain. But holding everyone at a distance, does that really keep you safe, or does it just keep you isolated?

(john looks away itching his face nervously, giving a sigh)

John:

I don't know.

(Rubs his eyes, John starts to get emotional.)

John:

Does anyone what to get hurt, it's just I don't know how to trust anymore. I don't want to be alone, but... I don't know how to do this without being afraid either.

(He breaks down crying fully, with the Counsellor writing down what's happening, a few minutes pass with John composing himself)

John:

I’m sorry.

Counsellor:

It’s ok John, being afraid of judgement, I believe everyone is, in there own way.

John:

Like you, I'm sure you're afraid of things.

Counsellor:

Yes, I do, but I don't let them control me, could I give you a bit of advice if you would allow it?

(John nods his head in acknowledgment)

Counsellor:

What people say about you doesn't define who you are, it defines who they are. Be kind to yourself, and never let people dictate your self-worth or don't let them diminish your spirit.

(The Counsellor looks at his watch.)

Counsellor:

There is fifteen more minutes left in this session, and we talked about a lot today, so is there anything else you want to talk about?

John:

No, there's nothing.

Counsellor:

Ok then, ok let's end of on a happy note shall we, what do you find fun to do?

John:

Well, I guess I like cooking, I guess.

Counsellor:

And what do you like to cook?

John:

I'm not really good at it though.

Counsellor:

Stop putting yourself down, I'm sure you do fine.

(That put a smile on John's face)

John:

Hmm... I quite enjoy cooking like brownies, cookies, Muffins things like that.

Counsellor:

Oh stop, you’re making me hungry now.

John:

How's this then, next time I'm here I’ll make some for you and bring them up.

(The Counsellor smiles, while John looks on nervously)

John:

Can I ask something about you then.

Counsellor:

Sure.

(John looks at The Counsellor not certain if he wants to ask.)

John:

You know the thing I said before about you getting sad, do you ever get sad?

Counsellor:

Of course, many times, yes.

John:

How do you deal with it?

Counsellor:

Depends on. I just talk to someone, even if that is my mother or father or partner or even some other therapist, because therapist sometimes need therapist too.

John:

Ha, ha, the reason why though, I'm asking is because sometimes when I do feel sad, I do try and talk to a person, online that is, not about anything bad but I talk to them trying to avoid the situation I’m in, you know, it feels like, how would you put it, I’m in a crowded room with loads of people in it and I’m screaming at the top of my lungs, but no one hears me.

Counsellor:

When you talk to someone online to avoid your situation, does it help you feel any better in the moment?

John:

Yes, I do, actually.

Counsellor:

Thats good though, but to be honest I honestly don't get the internet myself, I have to get my grandchildren to even turn on the computer you know, so.

(They laugh a bit at that then silence befell the room once more.)

John:

.... sighs... what I said before about not being alive.

Counsellor:

......

John:

I... I want to stay alive; I don't want to die.

Counsellor:

Thats good.

John:

The reason why is because of a promise I made to someone, someone important to me. Life is worth living, I heard this, and I like hearing it.

Counsellor:

That's good, that's good to hear, because no one wants you to go.

(John smiles happily at that, looking at the ground.)

Counsellor:

Ok then.

John:

Thank you for letting me ramble.

Counsellor:

No, you weren't rambling John, see you next week.

(They both get up and shake hands and the counsellor walks John to the door)

John:

I'll bring the cookies next week.

Counsellor:

That would be lovely.

---

Story/Written by: Ethan McCloskey

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